Excel's Fantasy Episode
by Muchacha
Summary: Excel is a farm girl and wants to marry the king, Lord Ilpalazzo, but his daughter, Princess Hyatt, had fell for her. Excel must become a prince and rescue her from the bad guy soon. Scenarios of merry men, fairy tales, curse words, and shoujo ai*Ch 5**
1. Ball and Marriage

Don't Leave Me, Excel's Fantasy Episode  
  
By: Muchacha   
Email: muraki_ynm@hotmail.com  
  
Authority: i DONT even own Excel Saga's characters I'm sure most of you know. Instead, I'm writing this crappy fic.  
  
Summary: This is a parody of Excel Saga mixed with fairy tales. Hyatt plays the princess in love with Excel, Excel plays the farm girl-soon-to-be-prince kind of type, Lord Ilpalazzo's the king, and the other characters are scattered about!   
  
*A bit of "shoujo ai"/ girls in love/ in this fic (first time I've though this with girls..)  
  
This is a short prlogue thing just to continue later if any you like it or not.   
  
Chapter 1- Ball and marriage?  
  
The scene opens to a big magnificently built castle at the top of an equally magnificent hill. All this, and more, with birds chirping happily, flowers escaping the meadows, and the people of the world mating. How can it get any better? Then, all the commotion was brought to attention at the castle's entrance, as horns horned, drums drummed, dancers danced, and the people of the nearby village were gathered. They waited for the announcement of the great, powerful, and almighty king, Lord Ilpalazzo.  
  
"My people," stated the king, "in this is the place where an idealistic society shall be born and ruled, over powering the ignorant masses clouding struggle. There will be no poverty or pain any more, and I'll make sure of that. We'll take over this city and the corrupt forces will finally fall. This isn't a possibility, but a definite conclusion in the near future!…You all may applaud."  
Though it is very silent that you can hear the cricket chirping outside, Ilpalazzo is unaware of the utterly confused looks on the people's face, being impudent of his speech. The voice that cooed like a dove in the back, interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Um.." began Hyatt. Lord Ilpalazzo stared at his daughter beside him.  
  
"What is it, my favorite princess?" he asked in a charming voice.  
  
"Were you not suppose to announce the proposal of a hand in for my marriage and invite all the people tonight to a ball?"  
  
"I was just getting there, pumpkin." He gave himself a mental kick in the balls. Lord Ilpalazzo turned to his people in a swift grace, announcing that there will be a ball tonight at 8:00pm- 1:00am, but Hyatt's curfew is at 11:00, and during the time Princess Hyatt will choose a husband and prince.  
  
"Hail, Ilpalazzo!" echoes through the great hall…  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, two teenage girls are working their butts off on the farm. Matsuya, being tired working under the blazing sun and beads of sweat pouring from her forehead, wipes the back of her palm across her face. But Excel, being energetic and being sluggish about her work, is bouncing around everywhere chasing chickens and pigs , instead.  
  
"C'mere piggy piggy!"  
  
"Oink!!!"  
  
Unfortunately, Excel runs into the street and gets ran over by a speeding carriage in the road. The carriage stops and out steps Lord Ilpalazzo's jester and messanger, Iwata.  
  
"Why might you be here?" Scowls Matsuya, not noticing an Excel miraculously standing up from under the carriage with bandages and crutches.  
  
"Lord Ilpalazzo sends a message to the town's people who didn't attend the ceremony, that there will be a ball at the castle starting 8:00pm, for Princess Hyatt's hand in marriage." Iwata eyes Matsuya with great interest, though. "..But forget about that! Wanna go to the ball with me?" Raising his eyes in a charming manner. He gets his answer with a punch to the face. She continuously beats him up.  
  
"A ball?!"exclaiming Excel to herself. "I'll get to see the great, powerful, almighty and sexy king Lord Ilpalazzo! Excel is so excited! But to go to a ball, Excel will need a fine dress! Excel will do it!"   
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Authors note: I know it's small and I know by reading it it might not sound exciting, but I'm working on it tomorrow and you won't be disappointed!   
Muchacha*  
  
Next Chapter  
Hyatt wants to be free and loves Excel, even though the first impression was when Excel crawled through the bushes on the night of the ball and totally starving. Then the baddy wizard Kabapu takes Hyatt from Excel, and now Excel must bring her back to get Lord Ilpalazzo's affection. 


	2. Lust of Feelings

Don't Leave Me, Excel's Fantasy Episode  
  
By: Muchacha   
Email: muraki_ynm@hotmail.com  
  
Authority: I DONT even own Excel Saga's characters I'm sure most of you know. Instead, I'm writing this crappy fic.  
  
Summary: This is a parody of Excel Saga mixed with fairy tales. Hyatt plays the princess in love with Excel, Excel plays the farm girl-soon-to-be-prince kind of type, Lord Ilpalazzo's the king, and the other characters are scattered about!   
  
*A bit of "shoujo ai"/ girls in love/ in this fic (first time I've though this with girls..)  
  
I hope this is good enough…  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 2- Lust of Feelings  
Continuing from chapter one, Excel is dancing around the farm about Ilpalazzo's up coming ball   
~~~~~~~~  
  
"OH, how wonderful!" Excel exclaims. Her dress flies up as she twirls her skirt and starts to sing. " I shall go to the ball," proclaims Excel, " and I will make Lord Ilpalazzo notice me! He'll ask me to marry HIM and I will live happily ever after! There will be wedding bells and SO much fun on our wedding night! OH, Excel, you are so clever and beautiful! I'm so happy! Yahoo~~~! Hail Lord Ilpalazzo~~~!  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
At the lonesome castle on top of the hill, Princess Hyatt is looking longingly out her bedroom window. Ignoring the designers making her wedding dress, the chiefs making the cake, the hall of decoration and jostle; Hyatt sighs in a huff. Her father, KING Ilpalazzo, was making no preparations, motherly crying about how Hyatt was all grown up. Just a few seconds ago, he came in and asked Hyatt what kind of condom she would be using tonight. Hyatt was discreet about this, and she knew her father loved her, but she didn't have the heart to tell him she didn't need one, and where her heart truly belonged.  
  
Looking past the fields through her window, down to a farm, she focused all her thoughts on the one person dancing around with a long gold braid of her hair bounding around her. The hot flare of the sun made Hyatt's eyes tire as she could only see the gold speck of the farm girl running away and out of site.  
  
It had been several months that Hyatt has watched this genki farm girl, and every time she did, the lust only grew. She thought this was the most beautiful being she had ever seen. She didn't want to babble this though, and knew her father would object. The first time she saw this girl, she was immediately infatuated with her but wasn't sure why. She didn't think much of girls ever in her life, but not has she ever thought of boys either. All she knew was that she had to see her again.  
  
~~~Hyatt's Flashback~~~  
  
"Oh, no!"  
  
Riding in her private carriage past the farms, Hyatt notices her favorite necklace isn't with her and recalls leaving it on her dresser at the castle. She loved that necklace because it belonged to her mother. Her grandmother handed it to her a while after her mother was found dead in the cherry blossom garden. It was ornamented with deep blue and golden yellow gems twined together with silver wire. It meant much value to her and she told the driver to turn around and go back to the castle.  
  
Just when he was swiftly turning around a gate, this golden haired girl popped out of nowhere and was hit by the carriage.  
  
"Stop," shouts Hyatt, " I think we hit something." Stepping out of the carriage, there is a limp body of a teenage girl in the road, her hands twitching.   
  
"Oh my! Are you all right Miss?" She knelt down beside the girl and delicately pushes back bangs to see her face. Her big eyes suddenly open, reflecting like green emeralds.  
  
"Uhn…I can see the light…and my head fucking…hurts," the whisper becomes barely audible.  
  
"Please don't talk," insists Hyatt, " let me help you up and get you help. I can pay for the care, food, and --"  
  
"FOOD!?" The girl was up and flexing her shoulders. " C'mon then, and lets get the food!"  
  
At a nearby Inn that had a restaurant, the girl ordered.  
  
"I want Oden stew , a cup of fried noodles, a hot dog with lots of mustard, two strawberry frappes, a big bowl of ramen, a sandwich, curry, and some foie gras! And for dessert I'll have banana dumplings, mayonnaise tofu muniere, panna cotta, and salt broiled fish."[1]  
  
'She must be very hungry and choosy,' thought Hyatt as she pleasantly smiled. Even though the girl wasn't looking at her, but instead looking at the tray of food she ordered that was being brought to their table, Hyatt solemnly kept to herself as the farm girl ate ferociously at the main dishes. A feeling of happiness was portrayed from this merry girl. Hyatt only felt like she was sitting with someone she wouldn't want to abandon, not caring about herself, but the health and happiness of this complete stranger.  
  
"I want to thank you for giving Excel a fine meal, pretty lady!" She said that so quickly and all of a sudden, Hyatt couldn't make out what was said. She must have been starring at the girl for a long time and now she's finished eating.  
  
"I'd love to pay, well, actually I don't," the girl said, rubbing her stomach, " but I gotta go! So long!" And before Hyatt could stand up, the girl was out the door.   
  
~~~End of Flashback~~~  
  
That was the last time Hyatt had ever spent with that girl, and probably the last. Even though it was practically odd, she wishes she had more time to be with her.  
  
She wanted to go out and find the girl, hold her close, and tell her these emotions she was feeling. She could never do that because it would surely disgrace her father. Reality caught up with Hyatt as she collected the thought that she would never find love like this.  
  
  
**********  
  
Author's note: [1]That list of foods was from the 8th episode of Excel Saga.   
  
I'm so sorry, but I feel I must make chapters short. I also feel this chapter is crappy (silently curses at my dumb intellectuality and tosses my books) And damn, do I loathe homework! By the way, if any of you were looking forward to the whole baddy wizard Kabapu stuff, that will be in maybe chapter 4... I hope. I wrote this chapter from the top of my head as I go because I'm picky with my draft that sucks. I'm not even finished with the draft itself.   
  
Next chapter will be Excel and her fairly bossy godfather, Nabeshin, then the next to the ball were Hyatt's in for a surprise. 


	3. Fairly Bossy Godfather

Don't Leave Me, Excel's Fantasy Episode  
  
By: Muchacha   
Email: muraki_ynm@hotmail.com  
  
Authority: I DONT even own Excel Saga's characters I'm sure most of you know. Instead, I'm writing this crappy fic.  
  
Summary: This is a parody of Excel Saga mixed with fairy tales. Hyatt plays the princess in love with Excel, Excel plays the farm girl-soon-to-be-prince kind of type, Lord Ilpalazzo's the king, and the other characters are scattered about!   
  
*A bit of "shoujo ai"/ girls in love/ in this fic (first time I've though this with girls..)  
  
~~~~~  
Chapter 3- Fairly bossy Godfather  
~~~~~  
"Ah~~~! Excel has nothing to wear to the ball!"  
  
Excel pouted at her current situation. She was going through all her clothes, and Matsuya's, but nothing was grand or even decent enough to wear to a ball. How was she supposed to go to the ball with nothing on but farm girls' clothes? Unless she went without nothing on entirely… but that wasn't an option.   
  
She was rummaging through dirty clothes and found they didn't have one dress in the whole house. She didn't expect a dress anyway because all Matsuya and her do is work on the farm and try to make money from profits and the land lord. The only problem was Excel was truant, and they never made much money to buy enough food, let alone a dress. Excel felt guilty for being helpless and ignoring Matsuya, but Matsuya was always distant anyway.  
  
She sobbed. It was past 8:00 o'clock and she wanted more than ever to be at that ball. She didn't have a plan, a dress, a ride, or nothing! She was going to miss the biggest chance of meeting Lord Ilpalazzo. Damn it!   
  
Then magically, a man appears in a skimpy pair of tights with a big afro of hair. Excel was bewildered and fell promptly on her ass.  
  
"Ack! Who the hell are you!?"  
  
"I am your fairly bossy godfather, Nabeshin. Now get up off your ass!"  
  
"Hey," Excel exclaims, " you have no right to say that to your goddaughter, my very transvestite godfather, Nabeshin!"  
  
"It's Fairly Bossy godfather, bitch," mutters Nabeshin.  
  
Excel notices he has a pointy stick in his hand. Now what could he possibly do with a pointy stick on a night like this?   
  
"I can see the hentai thoughts around your head." Nabeshin says dryly. " And no, that's not what I use my wand for. I'm here to grant you a damn wish, and I know you want to go to the ball, so I'm here to help get the bullshit done."  
  
"Say," Excel stutters, " why is it you're so pissy and cursing?"  
  
"Because that's the result of having a shitty part in this shitty story, with a shitty costume, and a shitty director," Nabeshin said exasperatedly, " Just tell me what you want, OK?"  
  
"I want to go to the ball! I want to have the finest dress to match my fine complexion. I want a ride so grand, anybody will be impressed with it! I also want nice sturdy shoes, a cute driver, and the longest curfew ever!"  
  
"You got it, babe" And with a zap of his wand, background music and many bubbles and lights are focused on Excel as she is transformed in a fine dress.   
  
But the dress doesn't suit to Excel. It's very tight on the top with no sleeves at all, making her shiver like wet laundry in the breeze, and the skirt of the dress is extra large that it makes her look like she has a big butt.   
  
"I don't like this!" Excel declares. " Can you put me in a simple man's suit instead?"  
  
"Alright, fine! Just don't be bitchy about the carriage and driver."   
  
When Excel is transformed into a man's uniform, elegant patches are placed on the shoulders and drape to her hips. The colors gold and green shimmer like it is made of gems, but the shoes she is wearing disappoint her.  
  
"Aw, these red boots suck," she pouts.  
  
" I'm on a low budget, and they're the cheapest. Just give me that cabbage." Nabeshin instructs.  
  
"Why? You hungry?"  
  
"NO! so I'll turn it into the damn carriage! Honestly! Don't you read Cinderella?"  
  
"Read? Cinderella? What are those?"  
  
"…Never mind. Just give me the cabbage, my poor child…"  
"OK." Excel hurries to pick up the cabbage and give it to her godfather. This man is so nice to do all his for Excel, so she willingly obeys. She wouldn't want to get the godfather to upset that he'll put a curse on her.  
  
Nabeshin turned the cabbage into a perfect leafy carriage, but what was he going to turn into horses? There were no mice. Excel told him they ate the mice, but he didn't want to know that. The chickens and pigs were out of the question.  
  
"I know!" Excel dashes and picks up two puchuus who were casually walking by and interfering with the story. " We can change these puchuus to be the horses!"  
  
"Sure." Nabeshin had to hand it to her now for once. She did a useful thing. " You can go to the ball now."  
  
"But what of my curfew?" Excel asks.  
  
"You don't need one. Just have fun," winks Nabeshin. " And take these with you." He says, shoving condoms into her open hand. "You'll need these sooner or later."  
  
"Gee! Thanks fairly bossy godfather! I'm very grateful to you!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Just get the hell out of here." And he spanks the horse on its ass, that it rears and runs along the dirt road.   
  
Nabeshin watches as the carriage, carrying a special girl who would capture the heart of somebody true, rides off to the hill.   
  
'Go,' mutters Nabeshin, ' and live the prophecy.'  
  
~~~~~  
Author's note: Yeah, it's getting shitty, but I feel I'm wasting my time on this. My love for Excel is high, But lets face it, I totally fuck up at writing. I'll continue on the other chapters til the end if I can, and I'll inform you!  
  
Muchacha  
muraki_ynm@hotmail.com  
Next chapter:  
Excel meets Hyatts in the garden during the ball, but a baddy wizard Kabapu takes advantage of Excel( not in that disgusting wayof course!)  
  
I suck at summaries...adios! 


	4. Baddy Wizard Kabapu

Don't Leave Me- Excel's Fantasy Episode  
By Muchacha  
  
Good Lord! I haven't updated a while, and finally I do! Wassup w/ that? I was busy thinking stories, doing hw, playing scores, going on the internet, swooning over Gravitation, looking at Gravitation screenshots that made me laugh, finish my algebra project, study for my Spanish exam, I passed the exam w/ an A+, finish art projects after school, think of a plot for that other story I'm working on, et cetera….  
  
Now I'm cut and have free time to write this story if John and Alex need to use the laptop -_-;;;  
  
~~~~~  
Chapter… 4?   
Baddy wizard Kabapu  
  
At the ball, it was hustle and bustle. Disco lights flicker and the pop music roars. It was too loud for Hyatt. Going out to the garden, she quietly seats herself by the fountain.  
  
She sighs. To find a husband was a difficult job. There were many suitors that came around the country to marry her. She hadn't yet met a good one.   
  
She smiles. Though there was her cousin Watanabe. He was awfully kind and considerate to Hyatt, unlike to his friends Iwata and Sumiyoshi. He was informed of the ball and came to the castle. Lord Ilpalazzo mentioned he would make a great husband for her. She would think about it.  
  
A rustling in the bushes to her left caught Hyatt's attention. Strangely, out crawled a teenage girl in princes' clothes. She was on all fours and drooling like a maniac, her eyes were dazed and her long braided hair of gold dragged on the floor.  
  
"Oh, dear!"  
  
Realizing it is the farm girl she met long ago, Hyatt kneels down beside her to help her sit on the fountain's bench. The blond teenager was mumbling something about 'on the verge of starvation'.  
  
"Hold on," Hyatt saids as she holds her. Picking up a plate of turnovers, plums, and miscellaneous foods they had at the ball, she hands it to the girl, along with a glass of champagne.   
  
The girl's eyes lit up and she jumps for the food. Drinking the glass in one gulp and devouring and tearing the food with her fangs.  
  
"Shank yo bery mush!" She hurries to tear the chicken while drinking a glass of wine, talking with her mouth full. Hyatt only smiles and mutters a "you're welcome".  
  
"Ah~~ that hit the spot!" She rubs her stomach while belching. "Thank you kind stranger for helping me fulfill my hunger! I'm Excel Excel, pleased to meet ya!" Her shouting could have caused Hyatt's eardrums to burst.  
  
Excel keeps on talking. "I came here and was looking for the almighty Lord Ilpalazzo. I had through go through my bitchy godfather to get my clothes, which are too tight for me, and causing a wedgie--Anyway! When I got here, some person was tryin to steal my carriage, but a beat the shit outta him before he could drive off and stole his money! You should have security here-- so then I took a short cut through the hedges in the front, but it was like a jungle and I got lost! I could smell the food from the jungle, which I remembered I hadn't eaten in four damn weeks! I was weak and starving that I was crawling on my hands and knees! But my conscious told me I should crawl farther to reach my beloved and get married today-- and now I met you! Hiya! What's your name?"  
  
The whole time she was babbling, Hyatt was in a trance watching Excel's lips move. The words drawled out of Hyatt's head like an echo and needed to turn up the volume. Then Excel moves closely to her and puts her hands on her shoulders.  
  
"You OK?" She asks, actually concerned. " You don't look so good."  
  
"I--" Hyatt suddenly collapses on Excel.  
  
"Sweet Geezus!" She holds Hyatt tightly. "Hey, wake up! Are you dead?!"  
She shakes Hyatt forcefully that her head bounces up and down.  
  
Then a cloud of dark smoke with bubbles, and corny eerie music plays in the background.  
  
"What the fu--" but she was interrupted.   
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"A~~~H!!!" Her hair stands up with a jolt of surprise and she freezes with shock. She whirls around to see a dark-looking wizard wearing a dark-looking robe with a dark-looking pointy hat, beside her. "You scared the shit outta me!"  
  
"Sorry, but I see you have the princess unconscious." He had a weird haircut and mustache. He walks up to her and grabs Hyatt. "I can take her, just give her to me and--"  
  
"NO!" Excel tugs back while she still holds the other half of Hyatt's body. "You're kind of a creepy suspicious man," she accuses, "who just came out of the shadows like a mysterious evil! You think I'll give her to you so easily? How stupid do you think I am?"  
  
"Maybe not…" Kabapu thinks for I second. "But-- hey, look! It's Michael Bolton!"   
  
"Where!?" Excel abruptly turns her head. Big mistake. Having her distracted, Baddy wizard Kabapu was able to pick up Hyatt and disappear with the whole black cloud of smoke with bubbles and eerie music in the background.  
  
"Oops."  
  
~~~~~  
  
" Someone has kidnapped the princess! " Sumiyoshi told, or, uh, in his weird accent thingie kinda talk.  
  
"Oh, no!" Watanabe sobbed in the arms of his friend, Iwata. "Why was sweet cousin Hyatt kidnapped!?" Everybody at the ball looked at him with sweat drops. He continued sobbing.  
  
" But ," interrupted Sumiyoshi, " we found this cross dresser at the scene of the crime when Princess Hyatt vanished. " The knights brought in Excel who was being dragged by her braid.  
  
"Hey!" Excel flapped her arms. " You've all got no right to treat a fair heroine like me this way!" The knights threw her at the feet if Lord Ilpalazzo sitting on his throne. She looked up at him with puppy-dog eyes. "Lord--"  
  
"Silence." Ilpalazzo instructed. "Where is my daughter?"  
  
"Oh, Lord Ilpala~~~zzo!" After begging, Excel jumped and hugged Ilpalazzo's legs. "I beg you for forgiveness!"  
  
The knights had to pry off Excel and restrain her with a leash. She explained the whole exact story she explained to Hyatt, then added the part about a creepy suspicious looking man who came out of the shadows like a mysterious evil. " He was a dark-looking wizard," she explained, "with a dark-looking robe, a dark pointy-looking hat, and a funky hair and mustache…" When she was down, the entire ballroom was snoring and asleep. "Uh, Lord Ilpalazzo?"  
  
"Zzz."  
  
"WEREN"T YOU LISTENING?!"  
  
The snore-bubble under Ilpalazzo's nose popped. "Huh? Oh-- what were you saying?"  
  
"My Lord," Matsuya said, " I think she means to say Princess Hyatt was kidnapped by an evil wizard."  
  
"Oh my God!" Iwata shouts. "You mean Princess Hyatt was princess-napped?!"  
People in the room sighed with exasperation. A vain popped on Matsuya's head.  
  
"It must have been that Baddy Wizard Kabapu," Lord Ilpalazzo muttered. " He's always trying to ruin my plans." He points a finger at Excel. " You," he exclaims, "will rescue back the princess from Baddy Wizard Kabapu at his castle."  
  
"Wha~~~t?"   
  
"…And you will be able to have half of the castle's gold, plus, become a prince."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" And Excel faints.   
  
~~~~~  
Author's note: Short. Simple. Kinda stupid. I hate it.   
Please comment, and Excel will be happy!  
  
muraki_ynm@hotmail.com 


	5. Merry Men plus one Woman and Ropponmatsu...

You know the title… EXCEL'S FANTASY EISODE, DON'T LEAVE ME!  
  
…and by me, "Muchacha".  
  
…and my email addy if you want to be nice or be a pain.  
muraki_ynm@hotmail.com I enjoy mail though.  
  
(Thanks for the emails, though, I'm surprised people are reading this story and are ripping for more. Besides, I make my own puns. Warning you. ^_~)  
  
*Oh my. I'm alive still. Thanks for reading. And all those who reviewed and mailed for this story to be continued…you better pray.   
  
Never will own this, nothing in it but the odd plots that are stupid and such…   
  
Oh, and grammer's past tense.   
  
Story:  
  
  
"Senior Excel!" Hyatt ran in the meadow of pink flowers. She held out her arms willingly and ran straight toward the sunset. She laughed with happiness. Everything was fine. The wind played on her hair and danced with her dress.  
  
"Hyatt!" Excel shouted back with anticipation. She raced toward her lover on the other side of the wide meadow. She as well out her arms, and she cheerfully smiled. The music in the background was playing a romantic tune. They almost reached the middle of the field.  
  
Reaching farther, Excel wanted to grasp the princess's fingers. Their tips of their fingers were brushing when…  
[Record playing the awful romantic music stops]  
Author's note: Hi, everyone. Obviously, that's not part of the story. If you're listening and are a real reader, you'll see below is the real part where we left off of the story. I wanted to see if you were awake. Toodles! (Scroll down!)   
  
  
"Um, exactly where is Excel going anyway?"   
  
Our heroine was suppose to take back the helpless Hyatt from Baddy Wizard Kabapu. Except, she didn't know where to begin. She was persistent. She'd do anything for Mighty and Sexy Lord Ilpalazzo. Anyway, the main character was always going to have a happy ending. She knew everything would work out, and was optimistic as ever. She was dragging her emergency food supply Menchi on the other side of the rope she clutched in her hand. The stubborn dog was trying hopelessly to break free of the restraint around her neck. Turning the other way while Excel went forward was starting to suffocate her, though. She whimpered and turned the oddest colors. Panting, she finally gave in and they stopped for a rest.  
  
"Whew!" Excel whipped the sweat from her forehead. "Excel will take a rest here…" She took out her canteen, but only found it was empty when she poured it over her mouth. "Damnit! And I refilled it last week!" She tossed the giant canteen over her shoulder, when it landed with a "thunk" and someone in the back cursed.   
  
"Shit!" Gasped a man's voice. Excel turned around, but saw no man. The bushes did shake peculiarly, but that only happened whenever people hiding in it moved, and she was sure no one would follow her into these woods. Then she heard whispers on the other side.  
  
"Do you think she knows?"  
  
"Of course, you moron, when you greeted her with those loud words of yours!"  
  
A third voice tried to shut them up impatiently.  
  
"Will you guys shut up?!"  
  
"I guess your head isn't so hard after all," muttered the second voice. There was more rattling from the bush,, then it suddenly stopped.  
  
"Hmm. Excel might be seeing and hearing things, but she's pretty sure that that bush talked!" She stalked lazily toward the bush, when she noticed Menchi inching away while off screen. "Oh now you don't!" She threw herself at the mutt. "Ha! C'mere, my pretty! Time to use Excel's supply in this emergency…" Menchi howled in the thought.  
  
"Have you forgotten about us?!" Three characters jumped out of the bush, except the spikey-haired guy tripped and fell on his chin.   
  
"M-Matsuya!?" Excel exclaimed, "what are you doing with Watanabe, Sumiyoshi, and Iwata?"  
  
"This is another one of my parts in this fairy tale."  
  
"oh, ok"  
  
"Enough small chat!" Watanabe interrupted, "We our the Merry Men of the forest! Plus one woman, of course." He added when Matsuya kicked his back leg. "We couldn't help and see a fair maiden like you traveling in this forest, not to mention looking weary and famished."  
  
"That's because Excel has been in this forest for almost a week! She ate nothing but the white berries all over." It was true, Excel was roaming this same forest for days. Maybe the Merry Men and one Woman were supposed to find her a long time ago, but their busy schedule must have gotten in the way- with robbing rich people, giving poor folk food, eating feasts stolen also, riding away from the police, kicking old ladies into the road- that old chestnut.   
  
"Actually," Sumiyoshi put in, "the berries give bad diarrhea." The color of Excel's face drained. She could feel her stomach churning at one and she groaned in stomach ache. She rushed behind the oak tree and relieved herself. Once she was done, there hung an awful smell in the air. Matsuya had a disgusted look on her face as she pinned her nose and tried to wave the stench away with her other hand. Iwata and Watanabe were gagging in the back. Sumiyoshi had collapsed.   
  
Menchi thought this could be her chance to escape, but Excel calmly picked her up and started petting her. "So, why are you guys here?"  
  
"It's as you thought," Iwata chirped, "we're going to rob you!"  
  
Matsuya hit him behind the head. "Actually, we heard the news about the kidnapped princess, Hyatt." At once, Watanabe burst into tears. "Princess Hyatt!" He wailed. "I'll rescue you!" He choked more tears as Iwata tried to rub his back comfortingly, except Watanabe pushed him away.  
  
"Excel is so happy!" She announced. "Now it will make an easier job if you guys looked for her instead!"  
  
"We're here to help you, not do all the work."  
  
"He's correct." Matsuya sighed. "Our duty is to just help you run this errand, Excel. You have to learn to work in your life." Excel made an annoyed face at Matsuya. She wasn't lazy, and she didn't like it when people would call her something of that sort. She would do anything, ANYTHING, for Lord I palazzo. She was going to prove it to his highness.  
  
"Fine. Excel will need a ride though. Where are your horses?" The Merry Men looked at her with confusion.  
  
"We couldn't afford them, let alone ride them." Excel turned into puddle and slithered on the ground. This was a useless bunch.   
  
"Then it's to the nearest city," Excel said, "and we could buy a horse with Lord I palazzo's credit card." She held up a gold plastic.  
  
"Great idea!" Iwata jumped with joy, till Matsuya kicked his legs.  
  
It seems getting Princess Hyatt back is second priority . Their first is to buy horses. How could a story change so unknowingly?   
  
They reached a village with folk buying items off stands in the street, freshly baked foods laid out to cool, and children playing in the street, till a wagon ran them over. Excel looked around with excitement, and swooned with the scent carried from the foods cooking. Her Merry Men were obediently following her. Of course, Iwata wouldn't stop pestering Matsuya for one date, Watanabe was wiping his tears away after looking at a picture of Hyatt, and Sumiyoshi carried a paralyzed Men chi. Foam was coming out of the dog's mouth.  
  
"I think we'll rest at that restaurant!" Excel pointed to a particular restaurant that was packed with people lining up outside the door.  
  
"But look at the line." Iwata moaned. "It's longer than Watanabe's life savings"  
  
"Don't insult my life savings," Watanabe said, "when you're the one who spends it on garbage for yourself! It's my money!" They argued more, but were ignored.  
  
"We'll just cut through the crowd of people." Excel pushed past people and children. There was shouting and crying, but Matsuya easily shut them up. That was nice of her, Excel thought. There was no trouble when they grabbed a table and sat down. Then the youngest waitress with the oddest hair came.  
  
"Hello. I'm Ropponmatsu 2, because my big sister is Ropponmatsu, too, and I was second built. Big sister's in the kitchen cooking. Can I take your order?" Her eyes were big orbs of pink and her mechanical cat ears moved up and down. She held her pink pen and notepad ready. "I suggest you try and order the shrimp and fried ramen noodles." She winked at Excel.   
  
Excel was sweating a river, till Matsuya cut in. "We'll take that."  
  
"Okie-dokie!" The little girl left quickly and shouted the orders to the chef. There was a lot of noise of pots in the kitchen a yelling, till the girl came back out abruptly as she came. "Here you go!" And she threw all the bowls on the table. Iwata's unfortunately landed on his lap.   
  
"Ahh! Hot, hot!" He raced to the bathroom. Ropponmatsu 2 was still cheerful and smiled. "Oops. I hope mister's pants aren't stained, or I'll be in trouble again." She stuck out her tongue and looked innocently at Excel, who was trying to avoid contact by engulfing all her noodles at once. "And what's your name, Big Sister[1]," she asked her.  
  
"I'm Excel Excel, and these are my Merry Men, and one women," she added the last bit when Matsuya threw a dumpling at her face. She caught it between her teeth, so she didn't care.   
  
"Wow," said Ropponmatsu 2, admirably. She sat down next to Excel without taking her eyes off her, or closing her mouth. "And why are you here, besides to stuff your face?"   
  
"Well," Excel began, with noodles hanging out of her mouth, "truth is, we need a horse because we're traveling-- Excel's not sure where we're traveling to, though. She's sure Matsuya does. Why don't you ask her?" Instead of asking Matsuya, Ropponmatsu 2 ignored her and scooted closer. Her eyes were wide with affection and her cheeks were pink.   
  
"We get travelers here by a lot." She smiled timidly at Excel. "It must be exciting to travel. Ropponmatsu can't travel. I don't want to leave Big Sister here. Our master made her and me, strictly to work, but not love. I want to be a real girl!" She declared.   
  
"Now where have I heard that story…" Excel contemplated.  
  
Ropponmatsu looked face-to-face with her. "I want to go with you! I'm not lying." (True; she wasn't. Her nose didn't grow or anything that oddly.[2]) She looked hopefully into Excel's eyes. "Will Big Sister please take me?" She began to come to close to Excel, that she landed on top of her when they fell clumsily on the floor. She hugged Excel's waist tightly. "I like this!" She exclaimed cheerfully, and hearts were flying around her head.  
  
Excel felt like she was going to puke all her noodles. At least if she did, the little robot girl would get off of her. "I can't breathe! I think you broke my spine…"   
  
"I'm sorry, Big Sister!" She helped Excel up gently like she would with an old granny. "Will you please take me with you, and Ropponmatsu 1, too?" She begged.   
  
"Well…" Excel was at a loss for words.  
  
"We can't afford it," Matsuya interrupted. "We need horses, and we can't afford to take care of two more people when we have little money for food. We are on this really important errand to get back the princess of F. The answer's no." Ropponmatsu looked almost on the verge of tears. She sniffled.   
  
"How can Big Sister be such a butt-head?" At the remark, Matsuya would have pounced on her, if it wasn't for Watanabe holding her back in time. Ropponmatsu continued. "Ropponmatsu and I are robots. We don't need horses or food to eat. We can even get those easily for you!" She dramatically grasped Excel's hands into hers. "Please reconsider, Big Sister. It is urgent that we get out of here. Big Sister and I don't want to be kept! There is said to be a good fortune on Mt. Doom! If we could go there, we will be happy!"  
  
"Mt. Doom…?" Excel scratched her head, "Isn't that the name of the place from…"  
  
"Shh!" Ropponmatsu 2 held a finger to her own lips. "We mustn't speak of You-Know-What."  
  
"Hey," Watanabe said, "Isn't that a spin-off from…"  
  
"I said shut up!" Ropponmatsu punched Watanabe's lights out, in other words.   
  
"This isn't supposed to be a parody of novels," Matsuya muttered.  
  
"Yup," Sumiyoshi agreed, "Even though it was un-called for. The writer might as well get sued."  
  
"Whatever." Excel closed her eyes and sighed. She turned to Ropponmatsu with a cautious frown on her face. "We'll accept your invitation to… uh, come with us, Ropponmatsu 2, and your number 1. But we must tell--" She was cut off by Ropponmatsu's embrace.  
  
"Yipee! I love you more, Big Sister!"  
  
"Oh, brother," Excel gasped, "My circulations are popping, and my air bags have burst." She hung her head. "Maybe this was a mistake."  
  
(AN: Maybe writing this story was a mistake.)  
  
"And who asked you!?" Excel demanded.  
  
(AN: Sorry! *cowering*)  
  
"Whatever happened to Iwata?" Matsuya noticed.  
  
"Maybe he fell in the toilet," Watanabe smirked.  
*****  
  
I hope nobody thought the beginning of the false story was sickeningly bad. My writing is so bad, maybe because it's my spirit for Excel Saga. I would like to finish this story. It's unusual for me to have free time on this computer and write carelessly. Didn't notice the rough play on words and probably grammar errors.   
  
[1] Ropponmatsu refers to Big Sister for every older women she meets, doesn't she? So don't get confused when she addressing that to Excel, Matsuya, or Ropponmatsu 1.   
  
[2] Pinocchio   
  
Gasp! What will happen to the adventure and thrill! They'll need a horse and food, but Ropponmatsu clearly states she can get those items! You'll meet Ropponmatsu 1 in the next Chapter. What is happening to Hyatt? Will we hear more lines from Watanabe, Sumiyoshi, and Iwata? Will it end, will I update soon, what's the priority plot of the story!? And has Iwata indeed fallen in the toilet. That answer's no. Ciao. 


End file.
